a quick update
Its been a long time since I posted anything.
I hope to get back to regularly writing soon as I plan to graduate in Aug 2009.
Some things that have happened recently…milo died (it has been really sad/hard and I will probably write more later)…I decided to stay in Lafayette after graduation…I have moved in with a family from church (they are like a second family)…my neice, Ava Rose, was born.
Hmm…I will probably write more later, but this is sufficient for now.
Lucas Oil Stadium Tour
I went to the colts new stadium today…it was pretty sweet (see pictures on facebook). Check out my youtube profile for some videos: http://www.youtube.com/rnacke
Its been pretty crazy around here aside from the tour. I recently moved to a new apartment (see pictures on facebook). I have been doing research all summer. I am starting the fall semester here again soon. Next weekend will be just as busy…Evansville for a fantasy football draft and back to Indy for a colts preseason game. And, sometimes I am paralyzed with general feelings of crappiness. Hopefully all of that explains the lack of posting.
Recent Community/Church Happenings
So…I usually struggle with the feeling that I am alone. It has been this way for a few years (and even having a roommate for most of the summer didn’t really help, I even felt more alone if you can believe that). To combat this, I recently have been trying to reach out to some guys in the church that I can trust. This has really been a struggle, but the initial contacts went well.
The first guy I called, after multiple times of his phone dying as we were talking, invited me over to his house (which is under construction). I got there after 10 pm and I stayed until after midnight on a Monday. I guess this kind of warm response eased my fears of being rejected by him or being a bother. Its been a little hit-and-miss since then (mostly miss actually), but the initial response was overwhelmingly positive. The second guy met with me and he has pursuing me regularly and asking me tough questions. This has also eased my fears a little bit and made me think this guy actually gives a damn about what happens to me.
The process has been slow and tough. I have felt rejected and unimportant at various times to both of these guys….I don’t expect perfection at all, but I am still kinda wounded, so I still almost always expect rejection.
Also, there is a weekly guys meeting (I am not sure if I have mentioned it before) that I have been a part of since the early part of the summer. We are getting to know each other better and learning each others’ stories. I think we all kind of want to be surrounded by others and to share our lives with each other.
Together, the two more personal relationships and the weekly group meeting, are the beginnings of safe places for me. I don’t feel completely free to share all the details or to say, “I’ve been feeling pretty shitty recently..this is why”, but I am moving in that direction. I really just want people/places where I can share my heart and struggles…
Still the biggest challenge has been knowing that I am cared for…and knowing this when these guys may let me down, as they have and as the will continue to do…and knowing that despite being let down (and feeling personally rejected) that they may still care about me.
For right now, I am seeking the community of people rather than God, I guess I am hoping my heart will eventually soften and I will seek God out more, but for now, thats not the case….
Side note: I am moving in about a week to 4th Street. It will be cheaper, closer to downtown, and nicer…so I am ready to move I think. Maybe I’ll post pictures after the move.
church today
Brad’s message today was about the need for people to be with each other, in committed loving relationships (and not necessarily in marriage) . This is because we only really grow when we are living life with others and not living in isolation. He spoke of the need to be intentional in fostering these relationships, of the pain that we will likely encounter in meaningful, intimate relationships, and of the importance of being with others to grow and mature. I don’t think this is revolutionary thinking, but his emphasis on intimate relationships for men with other men might have caught some people by surprise.
I think a year ago I would have been freaked out by such a message, but I know I need these kind of relationships with other men in the church. Its one of the few places where I feel cared for in a way that is healthy (and not destructive). I think I even want this relationship with another guy (as weird as it sounds). I want to grow. Without getting into details, I want things to be different. I want to love and be loved in a way that is actually loving and not selfish.
I have two concerns about this though. The first one is that I will be so consuming in my needs, that I will overwhelm the other person and actually push him away. I guess I think I am so messed up that no one else can handle it sometimes. That it is better off for me to be alone because I will terribly burden other people. The second one is that I will be hurt by others in these close relationships. I am kind of scared that I will have high expectations and that I will inevitably be failed; partly from having really high expectations and partly from the other person screwing up. Maybe I cant let this second concern stop me, because Brad did say it was going to be hard. He warned us.
After the service I was able to pray with a couple of guys. I sometimes think they care, but other times I don’t think they give a damn. I know its not true, but its how I feel for sure…Anyway, they assured me that they (and God) hadn’t given up on me and weren’t going to give up on me. I guess it was good. I actually thought they cared. One of them gave me his cell phone number and told me to call him if/when I needed. I told them that I was worried I would overwhelm them with my neediness (see above), but they reassured me that god would give them the strength to help me bear my burdens; or something like that. I just laughed.
Indy gets 2012 Superbowl!
I’m pretty excited about this…I like the city of Indianapolis and the new stadium looks pretty sweet. I am confident Indy will do a great job.
Myanmar finally allows aid workers
The Myanmar government finally allows outside aid…what the hell took so long? It has been three weeks since the cyclone hit!
I understand that you are closed off and don’t want to allow outsiders in to your country, but come on…It took forever for this to happen. You must change some rules in times of crisis. At least you would think you need to bend some rules in times in crisis, apparently not Myanmar…
Because the government there was so slow at allowing aid workers into the country (and also keeping the best of what aid was delivered for themselves), many people needlessly died.
I pretty much have no respect for the Myanmar government. I have nothing against the people of Myanmar; they have done nothing wrong, they are suffering needlessly, and they need help that their government is delaying. Obviously, Myanmar has crappy, selfish leaders, but I just can’t believe the leaders were so terrible. Finally though, the govt is moving in the right direction and allowing aid workers into the country.
Recent Maple Ridge Happenings
So, at the end of the semester I was attending Maple Ridge 3 times a week for various things..it was kinda good actually. Even though, I continued to reject God’s love (and still continue rejecting God’s love), I think I needed to be going that often. I think I still need it. Now I am going once a week to church and I also just started this guys group too. Its intended to foster intentional, personal relationships with some other guys in the church. Its hard now and will continue to be hard, but I know I need it.
I still don’t feel important or worthy of these other guys’ time, but Brad said that I (along with the other guys there) were hand picked to be part of the group. Its kind of nice to feel wanted, but I think I feel more lucky than actually wanted. I just don’t feel worthy of anyone else’s time.
Maybe more updates on this to come later…
lucas oil stadium/colts schedule
So, I am pretty excited for football season (NFL mainly), even though its kinda far away still. The colts’ new stadium will be opening soon and I am thinking about going to a game (or a pre-season game because its cheaper) to check it out.
I am also excited to see some of the games this season. I am looking forward to hosting the patriots and heading to san diego; it should be fun.
Check here for the ’08 schedule: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/teams/schedule?team=ind&year=2008
As I am typing this, I read that Marvin Harrison was involved in a shootout in Philly. This makes me sad..obviously we don’t know details yet, but it does make me sad. I am just glad no one was seriously hurt it sounds like…
redstate update… hilarious/sad but true… “fuck it, McCain”
I recently stumbled upon a great website…www.redstateupdate.com. You’ll thank me after you see some of the vidoes.
*If you are easily offended, you shouldn’t watch these videos.
4/16/08 democratic debate from philly
I’m watching the debate as I write this…I think the candidates are kinda funny…
Hillary said she was ducking shots in Bosnia (Sinbad and Cheryl Crow were on the trip), then a video surfaces of her walking off the tarmac and waving to people….here is one of many videos on youtube:
I don’t really trust Hillary too much, and it bothers me that she lied, but I guess I know she was politicking.
I later saw a video of Hillary downing a beer and taking a shot at a bar in nw IN, and on another blog I saw something like “Hillary takes more shots than in Bosnia”, it was kinda funny….here is one of those videos:
(doesn’t Hillary know…beer before liquor = never sicker)
Obama says people are “bitter” about losing their jobs and not getting help from govt. He also said people “cling” to guns and religion. I certainly think to some extent people are bitter and that I am sure some people do cling to their guns, but it just bothers me a little that he actually said something like people “cling to guns or religion”. I am sure when times get tough people take refuge in these things, but the way he phrased it made it sounds like the only reason people have guns or practice whatever religion is that they are bitter, and not because it is who they are/part of their background. So, I think his comment does make him sound kind of “elitist” as some people have said, but at least it was an honest/accurate comment.
Hillary’s response to Obama’s comments (about people clinging to guns/religion): basically Obama is out of touch, an elitist and then she talks about shooting guns…this is Obama’s response to Hillary’s gun comments:
I don’t think I will let these recent campaign slip-ups greatly affect my decision. When people are recorded 24/7 I’m not surprised that (even if they actually meant it) a candidate would actually say something they shouldn’t.
There are so many funny videos online about stuff the candidates have said..you should check it out.
