church today
Brad’s message today was about the need for people to be with each other, in committed loving relationships (and not necessarily in marriage) . This is because we only really grow when we are living life with others and not living in isolation. He spoke of the need to be intentional in fostering these relationships, of the pain that we will likely encounter in meaningful, intimate relationships, and of the importance of being with others to grow and mature. I don’t think this is revolutionary thinking, but his emphasis on intimate relationships for men with other men might have caught some people by surprise.
I think a year ago I would have been freaked out by such a message, but I know I need these kind of relationships with other men in the church. Its one of the few places where I feel cared for in a way that is healthy (and not destructive). I think I even want this relationship with another guy (as weird as it sounds). I want to grow. Without getting into details, I want things to be different. I want to love and be loved in a way that is actually loving and not selfish.
I have two concerns about this though. The first one is that I will be so consuming in my needs, that I will overwhelm the other person and actually push him away. I guess I think I am so messed up that no one else can handle it sometimes. That it is better off for me to be alone because I will terribly burden other people. The second one is that I will be hurt by others in these close relationships. I am kind of scared that I will have high expectations and that I will inevitably be failed; partly from having really high expectations and partly from the other person screwing up. Maybe I cant let this second concern stop me, because Brad did say it was going to be hard. He warned us.
After the service I was able to pray with a couple of guys. I sometimes think they care, but other times I don’t think they give a damn. I know its not true, but its how I feel for sure…Anyway, they assured me that they (and God) hadn’t given up on me and weren’t going to give up on me. I guess it was good. I actually thought they cared. One of them gave me his cell phone number and told me to call him if/when I needed. I told them that I was worried I would overwhelm them with my neediness (see above), but they reassured me that god would give them the strength to help me bear my burdens; or something like that. I just laughed.
