Recent Community/Church Happenings
So…I usually struggle with the feeling that I am alone. It has been this way for a few years (and even having a roommate for most of the summer didn’t really help, I even felt more alone if you can believe that). To combat this, I recently have been trying to reach out to some guys in the church that I can trust. This has really been a struggle, but the initial contacts went well.
The first guy I called, after multiple times of his phone dying as we were talking, invited me over to his house (which is under construction). I got there after 10 pm and I stayed until after midnight on a Monday. I guess this kind of warm response eased my fears of being rejected by him or being a bother. Its been a little hit-and-miss since then (mostly miss actually), but the initial response was overwhelmingly positive. The second guy met with me and he has pursuing me regularly and asking me tough questions. This has also eased my fears a little bit and made me think this guy actually gives a damn about what happens to me.
The process has been slow and tough. I have felt rejected and unimportant at various times to both of these guys….I don’t expect perfection at all, but I am still kinda wounded, so I still almost always expect rejection.
Also, there is a weekly guys meeting (I am not sure if I have mentioned it before) that I have been a part of since the early part of the summer. We are getting to know each other better and learning each others’ stories. I think we all kind of want to be surrounded by others and to share our lives with each other.
Together, the two more personal relationships and the weekly group meeting, are the beginnings of safe places for me. I don’t feel completely free to share all the details or to say, “I’ve been feeling pretty shitty recently..this is why”, but I am moving in that direction. I really just want people/places where I can share my heart and struggles…
Still the biggest challenge has been knowing that I am cared for…and knowing this when these guys may let me down, as they have and as the will continue to do…and knowing that despite being let down (and feeling personally rejected) that they may still care about me.
For right now, I am seeking the community of people rather than God, I guess I am hoping my heart will eventually soften and I will seek God out more, but for now, thats not the case….
Side note: I am moving in about a week to 4th Street. It will be cheaper, closer to downtown, and nicer…so I am ready to move I think. Maybe I’ll post pictures after the move.
